Birth Video

It's finally here!! Many hours went into this video. It took me 3 months and some tears to edit. I wanted to make something for Samantha to have when she's older. This video is so dear to my heart. It was very therapeutic for me to make. I felt happiness, sadness, fear, love, excitement but mostly pure joy. Joy for having such an amazing birth experience. It was intense in so many ways. Being able to birth in the sacredness of my own space at home was AMAZING! I really felt like that area was hallowed ground blessed by heaven and all that were there attending. There are a few intense moments and I want to note here that in those moments, I was in total peace. The connection between me and my baby was so strong. I knew she was okay. If you know Samantha, you know she is a strong girl. I felt that strength all through and after labor. So with that, I hope you enjoy Samantha's birth video.

Samantha's Birth Story

Samantha is already 1. It's so crazy how time flies. I thought I would post her birth story and video in celebration of her birthday. She is so loved by everyone around her. We love you Samanth. Happy Birthday!

Samantha’s Birth Story

It was Saturday night. I was getting more and more anxious about going 10 days over my due date. Samantha was due on November 10 and it was the night of November 19 and no sign that she was coming. I had just seen my midwife Rachel and she had said that I was still fairly high and only dilated to a 1. She had also checked Samantha’s position and she was posterior. I remember trying to keep my spirits up but I was so done being pregnant. It was uncomfortable at night so I wasn’t getting much sleep. I didn’t want to have to go to the hospital and be induced and I wanted to see my baby’s cute little face.

 I had deep cleaned the apartment and gotten my birth kit out and organized. I was sure she was going to come on her due date. It was even going to be a full moon. My chiropractor had muscle tested me and said that she was ready to come and was so sincere about it. I thought he was joking but then he said “I would not be surprised if the next time you come in is with your baby in your arms”. He said the test was always right. So I figured it would happen that night.

            Chris and I went on a walk that night. It was cold out so we wrapped ourselves up. The full moon lit everything up in a beautiful glow and it felt like we were the only two people in the world at that time.  We walked and talked about what our family would be like with our little girl in it. It was peaceful.  The next morning I woke up and no baby.

            So here we were 10 days later and I was done. I went to an energy worker to see if there was some fear or emotional clearing I needed to go through since everyone seemed to think Samantha was ready. Maybe I was the one halting progress. The energy worker had said that I was afraid to ask for help and that I needed to tell people when I needed help. I was feeling like I needed to do this all on my own. She had said specifically that I needed to ask Chris to help me and let him love me. She said that Samantha was ready to come. She said that everything was ready but that she was posterior but would turn when the time came. She knew exactly what to do and to not worry about her. 

            That night Chris and I were on the bed. He was doing homework and I was writing my thoughts down. It all fit together suddenly and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I remembered that I would get pretty strong contractions at night. I thought they were just Braxton hicks. I didn’t want to wake Chris so I would go out and sit in the living room and tell myself that they needed to go away. I wasn’t ready to feel labor contractions. I was afraid of them and what labor would bring. It was all so new to me. Everything that the energy worker had said and my appointment with Rachel all made sense and I could see what was going on. Both the midwife and energy worker had said that Samantha was posterior. I was getting weak contractions at night. They were strong but irregular. Instead of relaxing into them and asking Chris to help me through them, I was going outside to the living room and doing whatever I needed to get them to go away. I felt alone and scared during those times and was not asking for help. I realized that the discomfort at night that I was experiencing were light contractions. I then told Chris, “We are having this baby tonight”.

I got into the positions that I had felt that discomfort in and stayed there while Chris held my hand and reminded me to relax into the sensation and that I was safe. The contractions would start to get stronger then go away. I knew that with her being posterior that her head was not hitting the cervix and so I wasn’t dilating. My contractions were weak and irregular. I would get into another position and Chris would again reassure me and tell me to relax into the sensation. We were finally working as a team. What the energy worker had said kept going through my head. “You won’t have this baby until you ask Chris for help”. I had finally asked for his help and here we were putting my body into labor. I had gone from absolutely no contractions to frequent irregular contractions. The whole process and my sudden realization of what to do was amazing to me. The whole process of labor and energy work was working together and I wasn’t going to have to go to the hospital. We naturally induced my labor without any medication or herbs I was going into labor through gaining emotional clarity. I felt so clear and strong at that moment. I realized how powerful our minds and bodies are. I knew that Samantha and I were in a way communicating with each other and working together to bring her into this world.

We had started getting into positions and tracking contractions at about 9:30 PM and it was now 10:30. They were getting pretty regular at this point so I decided to go upstairs and let my mom know that I thought I was in labor. She came down and helped time the contractions with me. I called my doula Rachelle to give her a heads up. My mom called Rachel and told her I was having regular contractions. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to rest because I could have a long labor ahead of me. Chris went to take a nap and I tried lying down on the couch. It was so uncomfortable to lie down. The contractions were so much more intense lying down. I got up and moved around. That was the only thing that made them bearable. I had been doing really well with Chris help and could feel my fear start coming back. The contractions were harder without him there to hold me. I finally broke down and started crying. I again heard the energy workers voice in my head “you need to let Chris love you and let him help you”. I finally asked my mom to go get him. He came out and things escalated immediately.

I had been having back labor to this point. I knew it was because she was posterior. I LOVED back labor. I am the only women that I have heard say this. The back labor was so much easier to deal with. All I needed was someone to apply counter pressure and it took the edge off the contraction. I could handle this. Suddenly the contractions went to the front and I knew Samantha had turned. It was go time.

My mom called the midwife and doula and told them that they needed to come over. Rachel got there within a few minutes and started setting up. I was so glad to feel like something was happening. I started feeling like I wanted to get into the tub so I asked Chris to fill it up. I don’t remember when the doula got there I just remember her giving counter pressure to my back during my contractions. It all happened so quickly. I asked Rachel to check me and I was already dilated to a 7!! I had told myself that I was not going to go over 7 hours of labor. I had visualized that 7 over and over again.

I was so glad to get into the warm tub. The contractions were getting stronger with each contraction and I knew it would go quickly. Never once did I think I wish there was something to take this away. I was amazed at how well I was handling them. I would not have had the same experience without my birth team. They were crucial. None of them left my side during the whole process. I was able to release myself to the birthing process. I felt protected and safe. They were my guardian angels during birth. My doula was always there applying counter pressure to my back during contractions, my mom was applying pressure to my shoulders which really moved the energy down. My husband was my anchor and my rock. He held me the whole time. He left for a minute to fix a camera and I immediately started to panic. He was what kept me centered. He ran back to me immediately and I knew I would make it through as long as he was right there holding my hand.     

I knew I had hit transition as soon as I felt sick. I started throwing up and knew I was just at the edge of the cliff. It was now time to jump and push her out. There were a few moments after transition where the contractions let up and I was given a chance to relax and prepare for pushing. I was so glad I had done so much research. I knew I was prepared for this birth. I was in charge and everyone else was there to witness and help when needed. This was my birth and my experience. It was an amazing feeling. No one had to tell me what was going on in my body. I already knew.

I knew it was time to push because I got scared and I DID NOT want to push! I was so surprised because I had always thought I would like pushing. It meant she was almost there. I was squatting next to the side of the birth tub. The urges were so strong. I had to do whatever I could to hold them back. My body would just bear down on its own. I had very little control of this reflex. It was amazingly strong. I tried visualizing blowing out candles to slow down the process and allow Samantha to slowly descend and allow my perineum to stretch. I felt inside and felt her bulging sack. I felt her sack descending down the birth canal with each contraction. I finally was able to feel her wrinkly head. It was such an empowering and surreal feeling to be there squatting and feeling my babies head as I brought her down and closer to our arms. I asked Chris if he wanted to feel his babies head. He felt it and had a smile on his face.

The pushing urge got stronger and the sensations around her head intensified. I did not want to push. I had no idea how she would get out because I was not going to push her out. I suddenly saw blood around my body. I knew her sac had not ruptured so I didn’t know where the blood was coming from. I knew something was not right. Rachel noticed too and had me lay back. I was afraid the contractions would be intense laying back. I noticed the pushing urge was not nearly as strong and I had more control of her decent. Suddenly Rachel said urgently “I need you to push your baby out now”.

Suddenly every cell of my body was focused on pushing her out. All the fear and unsurity was gone I was strong and I was going to push this baby out now. It was so amazing the instinctual instincts that flooded my body. It was like a program flipped on my body and it was saying push her out push her out. I could feel this intense strength I had never known before. I pushed her out in 2 pushes.

I suddenly had this slimy beautiful baby in my arms. The world was spinning around me and my brain was trying to catch up with what my body had just done. Everyone around me was flipping my baby around in my hands. Samantha had her cord wrapped around her neck 3 times and once around her body. Her cord was so long. She let out a few coughs but then was silent in my arms. We just looked into each other’s eyes. She was so present. Everyone was holding their breath waiting for her to let out some good cries. We rubbed her and told her how much we loved her. I knew her spirit was fully in her body. I wasn’t scared at all. It seemed like minutes passed before I suddenly heard a women’s voice in my head say “tell her it’s okay to cry. She needs your reassurance that it’s okay to cry”. I could see this women kneeling behind us and saying this into my ear. She was holding us both. I then said “it’s okay to cry” and immediately she started crying. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

She lay in my arms looking around with such big eyes. She had such a big presence. She had so much knowledge in those little deep blue eyes.  Rachel wanted to get the placenta out because I was bleeding quite a bit. I had intuitively known that I needed to make sure my iron levels were good and high and now I knew why. The placenta came out with a few pushes. They gave me a tincture to help my uterus contract and stop the bleeding. I got out of the tub and they checked me out. The bleeding had slowed down and was not a concern. I had 2 labial tears and a vaginal tear. Rachel thought it was because she had reached in and helped pull Samantha out. The tears were not deep enough where they needed stitching which was good.

Rachel had gotten concerned when she saw the gush of blood in the tub and started monitoring Samantha’s heart rate. Her heart rate had dropped to 40-60 BPM and was not going back up. That is when she told me to push her out right then. We found out later that the cord being around her neck and body had pulled part of the placenta from my uterus and caused the bleeding. This caused the heart rate to drop. Her cord was wrapped around her body so tightly at the end that it was cutting off blood flow from the placenta to her. I had been squatting because that was what felt good for me. Samantha needed to come out quickly and squatting is the best position to push a baby out quickly. I think my body intuitively knew this and so I was able to push her out quickly when it came to that time.

Chris got to hold Samantha for the first time while they were checking me out. Our little Sammy sucker girl was already sucking on her hands and giving nursing cues. We got cuddled into the couch with some blankets and started nursing. It was such an odd feeling holding a baby and nursing yet it felt so natural at the same time. She latched on right away like a pro. I just held her there skin to skin. She just kept staring at me with those deep blue eyes. I was in love.

I had a 3 1/2 hour labor. 7 hours from the time we started positions and trying to get my contractions going until the birth. The midwife checked her height and weight. She was 8 pounds 2 ounces and 21 ½ inches long. Her cord was clamped and Chris cut her cord. We waited almost an hour to cut her cord. Her cord was still pulsating almost an hour later. Rachel noted that her placenta had been sucked dry. Her body knew she needed that oxygen rich blood.

 Samantha was born at 2:04 in the morning, just an hour before my birth time. I was born at 3 in the morning. We both shared the same due date of November 10, both were 10 days late and born on November 20 and we are only an hour apart in birth times. She is my little shadow.

Everyone cleaned up and people started trickling away. It was like a labor had never occurred just an hour before. It was quiet and peaceful. We snuggled into our bed with our sleeping angel between us. It felt so good to be in our own bed and in our own home.

I loved every minute of my pregnancy and birth. It was hard, it had its ups and downs but it was life changing. I am so much clearer and stronger now from it. Not only did I birth my daughter but I too was reborn after this experience. A year later I look into the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back. She is stronger, she is more compassionate, she is passionate about life, she loves helping other women, she is a woman, she is a mother.

Thank you to Rachel Talley my amazing midwife. She was an answer to prayers and swooped in when I needed her. She is so passionate about women and you can tell she loves her calling as a midwife. She also encapsulated my placenta and I had an amazing recovery from it. She did an amazing job.  Thank you to her assistant Yulia Draschil. She was the person in the background making sure everything ran smoothly. She was so sweet and helped me start the nursing process and reassured me that I was doing fine. Thank you to my amazing doula Rachelle Davis. You are like a sister to me. She is so strong and you know she’s got your back during labor. Thank you to my mom for being such a great example to me. I would not have had the amazing home birth I did if it were not for your example and leading the way for me and showing me how to have a conscious pregnancy and birth. Thanks for bringing me into the world. You are a mother for so many and my hero. Thanks to my big sister Alicia for coming and supporting me and taking pictures and video. You are such an example to me. Lastly, a huge thanks to my husband. Like I said you are my rock and anchor. You are an amazing husband and father. Samantha absolutely loves and adores you like her mommy does. You are my everything. And thank you Samantha for choosing us to be your parents. You amaze me every day. I know you will be an amazing woman some day. I just hope I can be the support you need to achieve all your greatness.

Click to view Birth Video

 

 

 

Lets get real for a moment...the hard truth about motherhood.

It sucks. I had big dreams of decorating a nursery, going to parks, dressing up the cute little babies in all their cute little clothes, feeding them, changing their cute little smelly diapers ect. It all was going to be so amazing. All I have ever wanted my whole life was to be a mother. I remember reading all the cute books and listening to other mothers gush about how much they loved it. I was going to love every moment of it.
Pregnancy came and I was ecstatic to finally see that bright positive. We had tried getting pregnant for 10 months. I was worried sick about not being able to get pregnant. It consumed my life. I would have been devastated if I had found out I would never conceive my own baby. I loved the 10 months leading up to seeing my very own baby. I did everything I could to prepare and read every book. Most books I had already read before even getting married. I knew I was ready. I thought I was being pretty realistic about my expectations I knew it would be hard but I also knew it would be rewarding too. That's what everyone says right?
The birth finally came and I had a fairly easy 3 1/2 hour labor. Not as hard or painful as I thought it would be. It was still something I had to process after. It was still scary and yes I tore 3 times trying to push her out. Her heart rate had dropped toward the end of pushing and I had less than a minute to push her out the rest of the way. It hurt. It hurt for months after. My hormones were all over the place and every fiber of my being was focused on that tiny little baby. It consumed my every thought and emotion. Breast feeding nearly pushed me over the edge. I fought my hardest to continue to breast feed. The thought of having to quit and formula feed would rip my heart out. I wanted what every mother had talked to me about. Those special moments of relaxing and bonding with your baby. Knowing you were feeding them the best you could. It was my responsibility right?
 I spent 6 weeks crying in frustration every time she would pull off and scream. I didn't know what was wrong. Everyone told me it was colic, allergies, emotional crap, ear infection on and on and on. Everyone seemed to have the answer for me but nothing worked. I couldn't leave the house in fear she would start screaming in hunger only to latch on for a few seconds and pull off screaming and thrashing her head in frustration. It felt like a rejection. I felt like a failure and the hardest part was not knowing why. Why did she want nothing to do with the breast. I was so scared she wasn't getting enough and loosing weight. I finally saw a lactation specialist and she thought it was a forceful let down. Most babies deal with it but Pants didn't want anything to do with it. She finally started rejecting the right breast altogether. My milk started deteriorating and drying up. I WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!!
 I finally hit 6 weeks and was so emotionally exhausted that after the 100th or something time of trying to feed her and getting the same screaming thrashing response, I threw her at Chris and yelled " I can't do this anymore" I ran out of the house and started driving. I don't know where but I needed to get out of there.
The last 6 weeks had been filled with late nights of crying, trying to get Pants to eat, trying to get her to sleep, only to have her scream at us and nothing would sooth her. Every night we had stayed up till 2 sometimes 4 driving her around until she had cried herself to sleep. When we were supposed to be dreamily looking down at our peaceful angel sleeping, we had a screaming pissed off monster of a baby. When most babies slept all day, she was wide awake wanting to be held non stop, when we were supposed to sit on a rocking chair nursing and bonding together, I had a thrashing baby screaming and going bright red and blue in the face. This was anyhting bit those beautiful pictures I had grown up seeing. The hubbs and I were miserable and Pants was miserable. I just kept telling myself it could be worse.
We finally got to 6 weeks and my milk evened out. Pants went from never wanting to nurse to nursing all day and night long. She finally started to sleep through most of the night. I finally felt like that peaceful angel of a baby I had been told about, seen on peoples blogs, in stories and pictures was finally happening. I started to love being a mom.
It was short lived. She hit 3 months and the sleeping through the night became every hour waking to nurse. I finally gave up sleep alltogther because I knew I would just have to wake in 45 min. The house slowly started to look cluttered as I started to struggle to even get the minimum house duties done. Our small 1 bedroom apartment looked like a bomb had gone off in it. I started to hate washing dishes and doing laundry. It felt like that's all I did all day. Samantha never wanted to be put down and I had to try performing these tasks with one arm. Needless to say, I spent most of my days stuck in a recliner, boob out and baby latched on. That recliner became my best friend very quickly.
The Hubbs was taking 16 credits, working full time and had the only car. I was stuck at home 24/7 and being a single parent. The Hubbs would come home late and then it was homework until 1 in the morning. Our sex life was non existent and we were more like room mates than a couple. Any extra energy and time was spent passing the baby back and forth so the other could have a short break. We were both stretched to our breaking point.
Summer came and summer school started. What we thought might be a break, turned out to be the same story. Nights were filled with waking for feedings every 1-2 hours, days were filled with juggling a fussy baby  to hurrying and doing house hold chores between fussy tantrums. The only break during the week is Sunday and were too exhausted to do anything. A vacation for me is getting out of the house ,when I have a car, and going grocery shopping.
Pants is a very social baby. She needs more room to explore and she wants to touch/taste everything. The tiny one bedroom apartment is filled to the max. There is no extra room for toys and has no way of being baby proofed. My day is filled with pulling things out of her mouth, pulling her out from under the TV and computer, making sure she's not pulling anything down on top of her and basically policing her all day. She does not appreciate that at all. She fusses NON STOP ALL DAY LONG. The poor girl has no where to go and nothing to play with.
I am constantly wondering how much more can I take before I am either hauled off to an inane asylum, run form this place screaming and never turn back, or just explode like a bomb. Our marriage has never been under so much stress and I wonder if we'll make it. The Hubbs and I have no time to ourselves and Pants is a very needy baby. She wants to be held all the time. I don't know what to do. I need space. I need my marriage back.
All those pictures of happy babies with happy parents lied. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I was being realistic. I knew it would be hard. No one ever told me the real truth. No one told me what having a baby could do to your marriage. What it would do to your freedom. What it would do to your sanity. Maybe some women are natural born mothers. I'm not. I look at women with careers and I envy them. Oh what it would be like to have a life and identity other than human pacifier. What it would be like to actually see and talk to other human beings, to see other adults. I look at women who go where they please and do what they want when they want and I want to go with them.
A baby requires every ounce of energy you have. You up the need when you nurse. You cannot go anywhere without them. Pants wouldn't take a bottle so everywhere I went, she went. I'm glad I did it and I would never do anything but breast feed but be aware, you are going to be attached at the hip to that baby for the first few months and depending on the baby, even longer. You may not get sleep for months, maybe even a year. I went from the last trimester till this week with no sleep. That's almost a year.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a mother is the hardest most difficult job out there. Not every person is a natural at it. I think most aren't. I'm just going to be honest and say there have been days I wanted to run away. I wondered if I was sane some days. I regretted ever thinking of having a baby. I felt selfish for these thoughts. I felt totally alone. Everyone around me seemed like these perfect mothers with their perfect clean homes, their perfect clothes, skinny bodies, perfect hair and makeup, and their babies are all dolled up and perfect little angels. Some how they find the time for their husbands and complete all the little crafty cutesy stuff on the side. Well I'm here to tell you they are either a super human or they hide the truth really well. I tend to hope it's the later.
So any time you feel like you are the only one contemplating running your husband over with a car, telling God he made a mistake and forgot the angel button on your baby, thinking of buying more pajamas because you wore out the last 15 you owned, don't feel bad. Your not alone. I've been there, I am there and I am doing my best. That's all you can do. Being a mother is hard work and anyone that says differently, does not have children or should be banished and placed on a planet far far away. They can live with the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and Gisele Bundchen with their super potty trained 6 month olds, vegetarian/ eco life styles, and high standards no mortal human can live up to. That way we immortals don't have to see their shining perfectionism. That or I'll just go wear my faded pajamas and eat another gallon of ice cream with a side of of Prozac and a sprinkle of Ambien on top.

Our little stinker. What she puts us through during  the day, she makes up for in cuteness.

Happy Three Years to Us

Chris and I have been married for 3 years now. It's crazy how long we have been together. 3 just sounds so short to me compared to the 8 years we knew each other. Marriage has had it's ups and downs. There have been moments of laughter, pain, tears and overwhelming joy. We started our relation off with a big car accident, followed by quite a few near death experiences, living miles away from each other during school and getting in lots of trouble with friends. We felt like a young Romeo and Juliet in high school sneaking away to see each other when our relationship was forbidden. No object, person, or supernatural being was going to ever get between us or separate us. We were two young passionate souls that had a fire that was forever burning. Then came the marriage and we had to learn to live together and that fire wasn't so fun anymore. More than not, we started burning each other. We finally learned how to coexist happily together. Then came Pants. She must have inherited both of our passion, temper, stubbornness and determination because she is a little fire ball. She quickly wore us in and sucked the fire right out of us :) Being a parent has been one of the biggest blessings and hardships in our marriage. She has taught us how to love and be open in a deeper way than I ever knew possible. It has been a very vulnerable place to be. Something the Hubbs and I struggle with. 

This has been the best and hardest year of my life. I am finally becoming more comfortable with who I am and allowing myself to acknowledge my passions. Pants gave me the courage to do that. The Hubbs is finishing his last semester of school this fall and ready to be done. He works 30+ hours, takes 16 credits and helps out with Pants when I'm exhausted in the evenings. He has been going through summer school and getting scores in the top of his class. We have been living in a small one bedroom apartment in my parents bacement. They have been so gracious to allow us to stay here and help us out while Chris is going to school. It's been a huge blessing but our family of three is outgrowing it and Pants is a very active girl that needs more room to grow and explore. We have been sharing everything from dressers to our bed. To say this year has been the year from hell would be an understatement. We have both been pushed to our breaking point but have managed the will power to keep going. 

That is what I have learned from the Hubbs and my relationship. Were fighters and as long as we allow our passion to shine through, we'll make it. I know quitting is not an option for us and we have never fallen out of love even through the thickest of our problems.

I can't explain what a lucky girl I am to have two wonderful people in my life. To have the Hubbs and Pants to love and spend my life with, is my greatest happiness. They are my world. Thanks Chris for sticking it out with me for 8 years and then saying I do 3 years ago.

Happy Anniversary babe!!!

Keep on rolling baby, you know what time it is

Pants learned a new trick

It's been a year since I last posted and TONS have happened since. We had a baby and I will post more on that later. Her name is Samantha Shanti Green born on
November 20,2011.
In the mean time here are some fun projects we have done this year.

Vinyl clock we made. I'll do a post on how to make it once we move into a new place and get a new clock on the wall.

Shelf we built and moss trees I made made for wedding reception

Moss tree at cake table

Scrap book paper decorations

Vinyl photo family tree